The Last Name Thing

I was 27 years old when I got married, and I insisted on keeping my last name. Not for "professional reasons," and not really because I was 27, but because it was my identity. There is no "Mrs. Publius"; the marriage certificate indicates that I am Ms. Hussy. My husband (who, for the purposes of illustration in this post, will have the full name Arbitrista Publius) was totally 100% supportive of this decision, but he was pretty much the only one. I was in grad school at the time, but I had been in Indonesia for 4 months and then I spent the summer in Southern Parental State for the wedding, and had essentially no one around who was on my side. Except maybe my mother. My father actually sat me down one day to have a little talk, and basically said that even though Arbitrista appeared to be ok with this, he probably really wasn't, because no man would be. What? And, of course, the eternal question: what about the children?

Well, we told people that there would be no children. That wasn't an acceptable answer to some. ("You'll change your mind when you get older." Fuck you.) So we said that girl children would have my last name and boy children would have his last name. They didn't like that either, but whatever.

Friends from high school thought it was delightful that I was finally "giving in" to the patriarchy by getting married and loved to call me "Mrs." Not cool. Many relatives insisted on addressing things to "Mr. and Mrs." no matter what I said to them.

To me, this is a way of erasing my identity, of forcing me into a mold. My name is not Mrs. Publius. It is Dr. Hussy. Even worse are the people who address things to Mr. and Mrs. Arbitrista Publius. Like I don't even have a first name, like I am truly just an extension of my husband.

I had some long emotional discussions with my mother about this and she was pretty respectful of my feelings. I have an older male cousin, M, who got married a few years before, and his wife had also kept her name. My mother had addressed things to "Mr. and Mrs. M" because it was easier, but she does not do that anymore now that she understands. She had talks with everyone in the family and it's not much of a problem anymore.

That leaves the in-laws, who have been a constant source of frustration. After we had been married for a little over a year, my mother-in-law sent something addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Publius. I flipped out and told Arbitrista that he had better have a talk with his mother immediately. He called her and said, "Who is Mrs. Publius?" And she replied, "To your old-fashioned mother, it's your wife." They had a rather bitter fight, which I won't recount here, but in the end she came around. She even sent me a set of silverware that had the design name "Hussy," which I thought was a nice peace offering.

Arbitrista's step-mother has also been sending things to "Mr. and Mrs." She did it again this Christmas, which nearly ruined the holiday for me and prompted this post. I had had it. Enough. It has been five years. Arbitrista talked to her on the phone and asked her not to do it anymore; she apologized profusely, and said that she had thought that I was using "Hussy" for professional reasons but used "Publius" for personal stuff. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT???? I mean, seriously. Anyway, she was very sorry, and will never do it again. I feel a little better, but damn.

I do not think badly of women who don't make the same choice as me. Inside the Philosophy Factory had a thought-provoking post recently on her decision to take her husband's name, and the crap she's had to put up with because of it. The idea that people would act like her husband had forced her to do it and that she had no choice in the matter is pretty upsetting and extremely condescending.

She makes an excellent point here:

"MY name' is my FATHER's last name. Talk about continuing the patriarchy... I should continue the name that my father gave me instead of the name of the man I CHOOSE to be with? This makes no sense. Especially considering that my father's family isn't all that influential in my life. On the other hand -- were I to take a last name that really means something to me, I'd take my mother's maiden name -- that side of the family has been and still IS my extended family.

Indeed, I agree with her reasoning, and I thought about the implications of keeping my father's name but not taking my husband's name myself. But in the end, my name was simply my name, no matter where it had come from. It was the name I had been using my whole life. It is who I am. Changing it would signify to me that my identity had changed by getting married. And sure, some people could make a nice argument about signaling committment, etc. But why doesn't the man's identity change when he gets married? Why is it just the woman? This is grossly unfair. AND when a man DOES want to change his name to his wife's name, there are tons of legal obstacles and fees. (I know there was something in the news recently but I don't have a link.)

Also I know that some people were born with last names that they hate, and would/do jump at the chance to change it when they get married. To them I say, good for you!

But people have got to stop trying to force me to submit. Addressing things to "Mrs." and calling me by my husband's last name is not acceptable if I have already told you what my last name is. They are trying to take away my identity and make me a piece of property or an appendage of my husband. Think it's too long to write both my full name and my husband's name on an envelope? Think it would be easier to write "The Arbitristas"? Well, screw you. My sister addresses envelopes to our two first names, no last names at all. That is fine with me.