I am staying home today, taking a mental health day. This week has been hard on me emotionally because I have been filling out life insurance claim forms and looking at the death certificates.
And the dreams. Every night, my parents are in my dreams, alive and generally in better health than when I last saw them; always saying "no, it was just a big mistake!" This actually started back in October, when I saw my father in the hospital: bald, sick, and 100 pounds lighter, all from the cancer. That was a traumatic day for me, and every night after that I dreamed that he was his normal healthy self, that it was all a mistake and he was really fine. Last night's dream, though, was really bad: my father was still dead, but my mother was alive and healthy - again, it was all a big mistake, the death certificate notwithstanding. And she wanted to have a talk with me about this life insurance money I was getting, because she needed it. In the dream, I was upset that I wouldn't be able to pay off my credit card bills like I had planned.
How's that for an ungrateful daughter?
I hate these dreams. I wake up confused every morning, and have to remind myself of what really happened. Is this normal? I ordered four books on dealing with death from Amazon (ok, I may have gone a little overboard there) but I haven't received them yet so I honestly don't know.
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25 comments:
Sounds like a rough time - and having not ever had a similar experience, I will regardless suggest that if you aren't already you should consider going and talking to someone who can at least reassure you that, I suspect, these types of feelings are (probably?) very normal in your situation. At least, it seems reasonable to me!
Congrats on the recent career-related progress, and good luck dealing with the rest!
I think it's totally normal to dream about them, and buying a book on dealing with death is not overboard! No one will judge you if you buy a book, chat about it online, go to a therapist or whatever. This is a very traumatic time for you, so just do what you need to do.
My heart goes out to you, and I'm sending you lots of online hugs and positive thoughts.
Don't worry about normal. Hopefully there will be things in those books that will help you to get through the worst of it - which is right now. I know it's probably hard to imagine, but the passing of time really will help, all by itself.
I think taking a day when you need it is an excellent idea. If things get to a point where you are consistently having problems functioning at a level that you need to, there is nothing wrong with seeking help, either.
Oh yeah, and you can't help what's in your dreams, so don't even think about feeling guilty about what's in them. The guilt's the worst, right? Grief and guilt. What a double whammy.
Remember, most of us have an extremely tough time dealing with the death of a loved one. Hell, I was torn up for almost two years over my dog! But losing both of your parents, and the way that it happened, is extraordinary. I think you have to kind of expect your reactions to be on the extreme side, to say the least.
But, again, forget comparing yourself to anyone else and trying to figure out if your reactions are normal. Your situation is your own and so are your reactions. You just need to get through it all as best you can. Whatever it takes.
I hope it begins getting easier soon. We all hate to see you hurting so badly, and we're all out here sending waves of support. Lean on us all you want.
I think the credit card thing is kind of funny. Dream-you has no sense of perspective! ;) It makes total sense that you are dreaming about things like that. It is a lot of new reality to adjust to. Your brain is just working through all the combinations of emotions.
I have been in a similar situation. Although admittedly, not quite so dramatic. The books are good, because they help you realize that the stuff you are going through is totally normal. If you have a therapist that you can go to, this is good too. One thing about the therapist, is that it helps just to have a certain period of time set aside to deal with grief. One hour, once a week you are guaranteed to deal. This helps sort of spread it out over time into little manageable sized pieces.
Another comment on seeing a therapist - I see one about once a month and it helps a lot! Like Yolio said, it gives you guaranteed time to grieve or talk about your problems. I also find it helps to talk to a third party that isn't directly involved in the situation. It gives you a different perspective on things.
Also, I find talking to someone that's in the situation (like my husband) is nice, but it helps much more talking to someone who is removed from the whole thing.
Good luck.
These dreams make it so hard. Guilt, confusion, lack of sleep if you wake up in a middle of a night from a dream like that... They will become less frequent over time, but I still have mine infrequently so I don't know if they go away entirely. But if they are preventing you from getting sleep multiple days in a row, sedation may be the way to go every so often so you don't get too run down.
I hope things begin to get a little easier for you soon. In the meanwhile, you are in my thoughts!
I don't have any advice to give, but to let you know I am thinking of you. Grief is rough...I wouldn't be hard yourself for being all topsy-turvy emotionally for a while yet, because that's to be expected...just keep your chin up as best you can....Good luck...
I think this sounds normal, but, more importantly, I think Rebecca is absoluately right that there is no "normal" or "right" way to grieve or to experience this loss. You are enduring a very traumatic experience and you're smart to take the mental health day when you need it and whatever else you can do for yourself (including, of course, asking for support from others).
I read at least two dozen books on grief and death in the months after my husband died, so I think four is a good start. (I would have loaned you some, but they are mostly specific to the spouse-loss situation.) So sorry about the dreams though. That's hard.
Completely normal, all of it: the dreams, the guilt, the thinking/hoping/believing it was a big mistake, the buying of books.
The dreams are the worst, though. And I echo ScienceGirl's suggestion for sedation. You need your rest, and you need your rest to be actually restful.
--Maggie
I would think dreams are normal and probably good for you. Your brain has a lot to deal with, especially if you can't work it out when you're awake. I had a recurring dream about Daddy Sam for about three years after he died. It took me that long to reconcile why he died and stop taking responsibility for it. I have to say though, it totally sucked when it happened. I'm sorry, BH.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. It must be really really hard.
I had a lot of dreams after my dad died. And I quite literally spent months in shock. I could get some things done - and done very well, but I could also just spend hours sitting, spacing out, doing nothing.
Look up complicated bereavement. I don't know if it fits or not, but it might.
Yes, it's absolutely normal. Dreams are a way your brain deals with big information: when you get information that doesn't make sense, it has to work extra hard. And of course, this just doesn't make sense. It will take a while for both your brain and your heart to come to terms with it. And some of the dreams will eventually be good, and help you feel, well obviously, not 'all better', but like there is some closure, and like you still have a space in your life where you can spend time with those very dear people.
Dream on. It's good work to be doing.
I really don't have the words to express the sadness that I feel for your loss.
I never had the relationship with my own parents that you seem to have cherished.
I wish you fond memories and a loving life.
Michael
Yes, it's normal to have dreams and thoughts like that! Don't be hard on yourself! Allow yourself to feel all these complex feelings.
:( I am really sorry about your dreams... I don't know what's normal or not, but I hope your mental health day served its purpose even if just a little bit... Glad you're trying to find other ways (aka "reading") to deal with it... Still thinking about you...
i don't know what else to add except to echo maybe you might want to consider grief counseling. i cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through, and while you have support from people, you might need just that little bit extra right now.
and don't DO NOT beat yourself up over the dream. you have nothing, absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. it is going to take time to heal.
also, going to a therapist for grief counseling might also yield in being able to get some medicine for sleep--good, solid, dreamless sleep for a while so you can have as good of days as you can/need to right now.
take care of yourself.
i will be thinking of you.
This is very, very normal. Mood shifts, weird dreams, temper flareups, sleeping problems--these all can happens when someone grieves. And anniversaries can trigger these things again - the month, the year, the birthdays of your loved ones. It gets better with time.
Memory lapses are pretty common, too, by the way. Don't be surprised if you're forgetful sometimes. I think the mind and heart can only cope with so much stuff at one time.
*hugs*
Everyone goes through the grieving process differently. It sounds like you are taking a positive step in reading up on it. Good for you!
Do take care.
The money thing is hard b/c you're grateful to have it - death is expensive, and who doesn't need money? But I also felt horribly guilty about it b/c you'd gladly give the money back if you someone would just give you your parents back. When my mom got sick, I was in Peace Corps and she technically owned my car. When I came back, I bought the car back, but we didn't refinance the loan, I just took over payments. When she died, I got a free car. Every time I drive it I feel guilty. I hope the books or the counseling helps. I'm seeing a counselor and it is helping, but progress is slow. My thoughts are with you.
I second the sentiments here -- you can't help the way you grieve. For everyone it's different and there is no right or wrong. You just have to hang in there and do whatever is necessary for your own well-being.
One really amazing book on grief, that's less a How To and more a memoir about one woman's experience -- but is the best thing I've ever read on the subject, and captures the absolute individuality and insanity of grief -- is The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. It might help.
I'm sorry you are having a rough time, but I bet the dreams are totally normal. I hope the books help & all the comments from others who have gone through similar pain. Take care- sending hugs.
yes, it's absolutely normal those dreasm - and it's also absolutely normal that they make you feel even crappier. Hang in there woman. It will get better but you have to give yourself time, maybe a lot more then you were hoping for. Take care of yourself -let yourself grieve - even when it comes in the middle of a spin calss. That too is absolutely normal. And don't worry about cleanliiness in the apartment - it can wait. Thinking of you.
After my mother died, I had some really intense dreams. They continued for months. Finally, I decided that I needed a break and I yelled out one night before I went to bed, telling her to go away. After that the dreams stopped.
I can't explain this but I slept better after this. When I was ready, I welcomed her back into my life. The dreams I have of her now don't make me confused or upset. They are pleasant reminders of a happier time.
I think it will help to read about death, but frankly nothing is as good as just honouring the grief in all of its facets. This means not judging yourself for the anger, relief, fear, sadness, anxiety, etc.
I completely understand what you're going through. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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