For those of you that have been following along, my sister is doing very well, thank you for asking. She had surgery to fix her broken collarbone (they put in metal bits) and can use both of her arms again, and she has gone back to work; she’s also moved in to her own apartment (she had been living with our parents and caring for them) and likes it very much.
Outer appearances probably suggest that I’m doing well too. After all, in the past month I have:
- Gone on a job interview
- Proofread The Book
- Resubmitted a journal article (to its 3rd journal!)
- Made a Very Important Science Contact (who, coincidentally, told me he/she was reviewing above-mentioned journal article and liked it very much!)
- Prepared a talk for the general public about my research tomorrow night
- Gone to Big City to hang out with Repressed Librarian, Comebacknikki, and the erstwhile Maggie May (hooray!)
- Dropped two research projects I had planned on doing this spring
- Made arrangements to not have to go to the field this summer
- Completely failed to keep the apartment in a state approaching cleanliness
- Been unable to sleep without chemical aids
- Burst into tears at unpredictable and inappropriate moments (e.g., in the middle of spinning class at the gym)
- Spent large chunks of time at work doing, well, nothing
- Been unable to face writing thank-you notes associated with the funeral, etc.
33 comments:
Please don't beat up on yourself for not being able to live as though you have not experienced a tragedy. We all do what we can and no one has any right to expect more of us. If some of us do not cope as well as others in certain situations, so be it. This is not a competition.
We do what we can.
It seems to me that you have actually done quite a lot, under the circumstances. And, imo, the rest of the stuff is completely understandable and not so unusual or surprising.
My heart goes out to you. I hope your healing will become easier soon.
I don't have much other than, you don't seem like a mess to me. You've been through a lot and the amount that you've been able to accomplish just has me in awe of you. I hope things become easier for you soon.
Sounds to me like you are doing brilliantly.
Public crying is sort of embarassing, but doesn't actually hurt you in any way. Just carry kleenex wherever you go.
You should pawn off the thank you note task. I am sure you have several friends who are eager to help you out. At least one of them is probably perfect for the task. They just need a list of addresses and a little something about what each person needs thanking for.
As for the apartment, you are crazy to feel guilty about the apartment being unclean. I mean seriously, of all things that is one thing that can slide! You need to let yourself off the hook for that one.
Few people manage to be as functional under crisis as you are now being. Appreciate your own steely strength, and wait for it to pass. All things pass.
I am glad to hear that your sister is doing okay. My best wishes to you.
There is no timetable, there is no "normal". It's only been a month - no time at all - and you are doing great.
It's totally okay to be a mess - I'd be more worried if you were completely ho-hum with everything. "Time heals all wounds", and as lame as it sounds it's true.
It's only been a month, and look at all the things you have done! You're truly remarkable for getting through the job interview (and kicking ass!) and everything else. You're obviously incredibly strong, but even the strongest of people will break down, especially in situations like yours. And hey, at least you're dealing with your emotions instead of hiding from them :)
Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts. It will get better.
I'm so glad to hear how well your sister is doing.
It sounds to me like you're doing fantastic. Everything takes time and a month is really no time at all in the face of tragedy. Hang in there Dr. BH.
You are handling this with such grace. Do not beat yourself up.
There is no timetable for the grieving process. Do what you need to do, the rest can wait.
Don't forget that there's a great guy who loves you very much. Let him be your rock.
You are doing what you can, and you rock. Sending good thoughts your way!
I agree with the other commenters that you are actually doing really well, although I can understand why it doesn't feel like that. You've been incredibly resilient. I'm sorry I don't know you IRL to say these things in person or on FB, but know that you have a loyal readership rooting for you.
K
Rather than leaving a substantive comment here, I'll send you an email.
You can't do everything and it sounds like you've been doing the important stuff. The rest of it will get easier, eventually. Don't be too hard on yourself.
I wish you the best in the future and for what it is worth, just allow it to take time and it will probably feel strange/not familiar for awhile.
I think it sounds like you are doing great though, considering all.
I personally end u[ crying more often while excersing... something to do with relaxing and using adrenalin and all. It seems kinda normal to me. Anyway, I am happy your sister is doing fine and wish the best for all of you!
My mom died in November, and I HATED writing thank you notes. People know you're grateful, so take as long as you need or hell, don't even write them at all.
Given what you have been through, I think that from an objective standpoint you are doing extremely well. Try not to be hard on yourself.
I am in awe that you got so much done! Give yourself the time you need to heal and grieve. Take comfort where you can, and expect less from yourself. You've been through so much; sit back, take a breath and if you start crying - It just means that you need to cry.
{{{BH}}}}
I am so very sorry... all of that stuff on the second list sounds very normal and necessary, somehow. In a way, I think you would be in worse shape in the long run if you didn't let yourself feel what you need to feel and do what you need to do and give yourself the space you need.
It sounds like you're doing exactly what you should be doing. Mourning is a process, a journey. Everyone does it in their own way, but it always takes time. Sounds like you're doing well, all things considered.
Are you kidding? You're doing so well. You are doing exactly what you should be doing in this context. You are brave and strong.
Being able to do what you've done this month is amazing and shows just how strong you are. It sounds like you are doing the important work things and most importantly- taking care of yourself.
Sending good thoughts.
Ditto to what everyone else said- and you've accomplished more than I have this month, so don't beat yourself up over what you've been able to do. Feel free to be "a mess" and I agree that you could totally skip the thank you notes. I really don't think anyone will be offended. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just do what feels right to you and take care of YOU.
I, too, have been fine with imposed deadlines and showing up for stuff other people plan. But anything involving independent judgment or decision making on my part . . . not happening. When I went to the store to buy cheese for appetizers at Xmas, I stared at the display for awhile, went home, and told Sir John he'd have to go cheese-shopping. Best wishes.
Sadly, there is no good schedule for grief. I wish I could tell you that in another month things will be better, but I don't like to lie to my friends.
Rather, you have to let yourself handle it with as much time as it takes. For me, after my sister's sudden death, I saw a milestone when I could get in the car to drive to work without crying.... that took a while ---
Take care of yourself and your sister. This was very traumatic and it takes a long time for things to seem better.
I don't think I have anything more to add than what your wonderful friends have already told you... but I'll say it anyway. First, I'm glad that your sister is getting better. Second, there's no "normal" period for acceptance of such things... We do what we can and crying is good...
I'm still thinking about you and I wish that things start looking better for you at some point... but there's no rush... just take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel and express whatever is inside... We'll be here for you.
I'm glad to hear that your sister is better. Be gentle with yourself. You've been through a lot, and, like the others, I'm impressed with all the things you did get done in the last month. I don't know what I did in the month after my mom died, but it certainly wasn't a job talk or a book. The one month anniversary of her death was Christmas, and it was hard. Take all the time you need, and don't worry about cleaning or thank-you notes.
Glad to hear your sister is doing well.
Take your time to heal!
You are the strongest woman I know, BH. I've seen you deal with a lot of bad shit. That includes taking care of me when it totally sucked! There's no reason to think this is going to pass, but you are AWESOME and you're doing a great job.
Miss you, lady.
Give yourself time to heal. You went through a very traumatic event and it is likely that you will never get over it. In time, however, you will have the ability to deal with the events in a better fashion.
Don't close yourself off and talk with your family and friends about how are you are feeling. That is important as they can provide you the support and strength that you need.
Been thinking about you Brazen... glad to hear that the job interview rocked (!). Just be kind to yourself and give it time, you've been through so much in the last month. Hope the talk went well
It is a very tough thing, what you are going through. At one month after the sudden loss of my 1st husband, I was just beginning to know how tough it was, and had no idea prior to that what grief could be like. Sudden, and both parents at once - give yourself as much time as you need. Like Cath said, there is no timetable.
Glad your sister is better. Glad you could talk about it here.
i am glad to read that your sister is doing much better.
i am deeply sorry for your loss, but you need to grieve at your own pace. you'll be back to yourself when you are ready, and it sounds like you are doing extremely well.
i will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts.
Courage! You will make it through this!
Just let slide whatever you need to let slide. Making it through the days (and sleeping well at night) is actually a lot on your plate right now. Be sure to be nice to yourself, both in the eat-right-plus-decadent-chocolate way and in the don't-beat-yourself-up way. Bring out the Lush Bombs and give yourself a nice bath.
PS if it's at all financially possible, would it help to hire somebody to clean for you right now?
I agree with what everyone else said: grieve at your own pace, and don't beat yourself up. And I, too, am amazed at how productive you've been during this whole process.
Hang in there.
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